If We Were Having a Beer

For the love of beer

The perfect place and beverage to share some casual conversation.

I know, that’s supposed to be “if we were having coffee” but I’m still in the work-a-day world where coffee falls into three main categories:

  • Get me up and outta-here
  • Keep me focused on this pile of stuff
  • Lord help me survive this meeting

One of my blogging buddies twisted the if-we-were-having-coffee theme the day I started writing this post. Take a look, see how Maggie changed it up to a glass of wine? As soon as I read that, I thought “Maggie took my idea.” Later, I realized that Maggie is connected to none other than Sammy D and Sammy’s and my drafts folder have gotten tangled before. They are both great ladies and I love their blogs.

I might mention how it can be awkward when a happily married guy is following female bloggers. The key to having it never be awkward is a two-part key. I might share this with you over a beer if you were a lot younger than me and I was passing on wisdom. Part-1: be careful what you say if you comment on their blog. Part-2: don’t try to conceal the blog connections, or anything else for that matter, from your wife.

You might think that Part-1 is hard for me. It’s not. Oh, I might say something stupid to Maggie or Sammy if I was having coffee with them, or wine, or a beer, but not usually when I write a comment. I can look at what I’ve written and realize how that might be misinterpreted or how it misrepresents the voices in my head. Unfortunately, I usually don’t realize that something might be wrong with what I’ve just said until I see the look on the woman’s face:

You look good in that dress today” – i.e. not those other ones, the ones you’ve worn every other day that I’ve worked with you, but that one dress, today and the dress is doing all the work.

As for Part-2, I don’t conceal anything. Every now and then I think about trying, like when I got stopped by a local cop but only got a warning. Why should I bring that up? Well, there’s a hundred possible bad outcomes, and they all end with “why didn’t you just tell me?” Sometimes, I can’t tell her stuff – work stuff – and that stinks.

Reillys Daughter

Not my regular bar but a favorite when I’m flying though Midway with a long layover.

Anyway, if we were having that beer, we would probably be sitting at a bar, and we would be sharing things back and forth. One of us would comment on what a good/bad/weird/cold/long week it’s been and then the snippets of life would come spewing out.

I would share my frustration with shopping for pants slacks. My English friend David tells me that ‘pants’ implies underwear. Not underwear, I was shopping for casual slacks, Dockers et al. 38-34, flat-front, in black, dark blue and / or gray. You would understand cuz that’s what we wear. Neither Sears nor Macy’s had these pants in my size. They had 38-29, 38-30, 38-32 but that’s where it ended.

It was suggested to me that “maybe you should come back later in the week, we restock for the weekends” so I went back on Friday night.

At this point, you would look at me funny and say “wait, dude, you went shopping for clothes twice in one week?” and then you would question my manhood and start calling me “Danielle.” I would say what guys always say. That phrase, I don’t need to say it. Guys know, women can guess.

I did go back, and it ended well, but not without some head scratching.

Sears still didn’t have any pants in my size. None, zip, zero save for one pair of blue pants that look like work pants. I have nothing against work, workers or work clothes, but I don’t like that shade of blue. I asked the salesgirl if they might have more in the back – I mean stores always used to have more “in the back” didn’t they. She rambled on non-stop with:

No I don’t think we do. 38-34 is a popular size, we’re usually out of them. We order stock on Monday and we get a truck on Thursday morning and the guys unload the truck and the stockers take the new stock and put it on the shelves, but it takes like all day and they might not get done until the morning so you might have to check back on Friday night.”

Me: “It is Friday night.”

Salesgirl: “It is? Oh, then I don’t know. Maybe they didn’t finish? I’d check but I don’t know anything about the back room.”

I could believe that.

I decided to try searching the piles at Macy’s. Piles vs. sections-by-size is one reason I prefer Sears to Macy’s. Sears has pants organized by size and style so I only have to go to the “38 Waist” section to realize that I’m out of luck. Sure, I do a quick scan for random 38’s but usually one quick glance is enough. Macy’s just has pants all jumbled on a table or a shelf. Macy’s also likes to sell Dockers at list price but they were having a 1-day sale on Friday so I was good. Macy’s even had a saleswoman willing to help me look. I found two pairs of pants and the saleswoman found another pair. She showed them to me and said:

These are a slightly different style, but it’s a nice color and they have a little elastic section in the waistband, which will be good for you.”

Really?

Really? Did she have to add that? If I had said that to her, I’d get that look I often get from women when I speak.

At this point we would be laughing, sharing stories of when we’ve said stuff like that to women and agreeing that we should just be allowed to wear jeans to work. You’d call the bartender over and say “I’ll have another” and you’d point at me and say “and put another one of whatever she’s drinking on my tab.”

About Dan Antion

Husband, father, woodworker, cyclist, photographer, geek - oh wait, I’m writing this like I only have 140 characters. I am all those things, and more, and all of these passions present me with opportunities to observe, and think about things that I can’t write about in other places. I have started this blog to catch the stuff that falls out, overflows and just plain doesn’t fit the other containers in my life.
This entry was posted in Humor, If having a beer, Perspective and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

47 Responses to If We Were Having a Beer

  1. This was a ton of fun. I can’t imagine how much fun it would be in a real bar with real beer.
    But I must inquire, these voices in your head… ? ;)

    Liked by 3 people

  2. LindaGHill says:

    Hahahaha! I actually laughed out loud at the elastic bit.
    I guess that means you wouldn’t be having a beer with one of the lady bloggers? What happened to equal opportunity? Yes yes, I know there is a lot of flirting going on in these comments, though I’ve never come across any of the married guys doing it. I would be appalled if they did. I, for one, think of everyone here, young, old, male, and female in the same way: bloggers as well as humans with lives outside of the net which I couldn’t hope to nor necessarily even want to know about. I think it’s important for everyone to remember that in the comments, whether it’s flirting or being hurtful.
    Great post, Dan!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dan Antion says:

      Thanks Linda. I’d have a beer with any of you, but you have to understand the whole brain-mouth connection (or lack thereof). Sometimes, the age difference and the subject matter make it hard to comment, like when young women write about intimate concepts. I just pretend to have missed those posts. Fortunately, WordPress can always be blamed. As far as I can see, there’s never any reason to be hurtful, in blogs or real life. Thanks again for the comment.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. bryantduhon says:

    Just don’t reply to the voices and it’s all good. Try Kohl’s. They’ve always got Dockers. Jealous that you found 29 inch length pants (and, yes, want to make 7 and 5 year old english boys giggle tell them you’re not wearing pants); us short-legged folk need that hard to find length.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. loisajay says:

    This was a fun post, Dan. One guy at work said something once about how nice I looked in some particular outfit. To which I responded, “as to yesterday when I looked like total crap?” We both busted up and still say that to each other now. I think it’s fun to be able to blow off something like that with someone you know. That sales girl’s comment about elastic waist….well……rude!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dan Antion says:

      Thanks Lois. I’ve also made the “you look good” comment on a day a woman feels like she looks like crap – that doent’ turn out any better. I’m sure the saleswoman was just pointing out a feature most people like. I actually don’t like it because I often end up threading my belt into that little spot and it’s frustrating.

      Like

  5. I laughed out loud several times, to the point where I had to share the posting with my husband, who said that if you are a man who knows that he can get a look like that by saying the wrong thing to a woman then you are a rare wise man!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. If we were having a beer, I’d be laughing and telling you to please put off the elastic pants as long as you can. (And no, I cannot believe she REALLY said that!) I order The Mister’s pants online nine times out of ten. I like shopping online whenever possible. The computer never makes inappropriate comments and my cats love the boxes :)

    Like

    • Dan Antion says:

      She did say it, and she even did a little demonstration by tugging on it. I don’t like every style of Dockers. My wife kept the tags so she knows which ones i like. She’s allowed to comment about my waistline

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Sammy D says:

    Oh Dan, i don’t know whether to go clothes shopping with you (elastic is good but don’t start wearing the slacks up under your armpits) or have a beer with your wife while we talk about how we ALWAYS find out so you might as well tell us. This was SO SO funny (at your expense, of course). When you, Maggie and I rendezvous in that bar, drinks are on me 😍

    Like

  8. Hehehe! I am laughing here. This is a fun post! A little bit of elastic can be helpful 😄
    On the subject of concealing: full disclosure is always a good thing.
    If you don’t comment on any of my “girly, girly” posts, we’ll chalk it down to the temperament of WordPress.
    Have a great week!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh, I forgot to add…my hubby gets most of his pants at JC Penny. When Syms was around, he was a regular customer.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dan Antion says:

      Closest JCP is pretty far up the road. There is a Kohls, I might try that next time. Or Internet, now that my wife had the good sense to save the tags so we know which of the 8,000 kinds of Dockers I like :)

      Like

  10. Dan, the next time we have a beer please promise not to talk about shopping for pants or underwear.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. The Shape Women Want and the Cuban Missile Crisis was a fun post! This one is a good companion to it! As always you treat of mundane topics with a unique mix of humor, facts, and good common sense. I won’t start talking of shopping with or for men, here, but I will only say that it is far easier than shopping with or for women. Although less fun in a way, it is also much more relaxing. Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dan Antion says:

      I think I wrote about that (shopping for men being easy) as well. I was frustrated after minutes. I’ve been with frustrated women who were shopping for hours. In any case, this was fun to write. I’m glad it was fun to read. Thanks for the comment,

      Like

  12. The elastic bit was hilarious! I too laughed out loud.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Peter Nena says:

    That compliment about the dress reminds me of an incident in 2009. I said to a classmate, “You look good today” but instead of saying “Thank you” like they used to do, she asked me if I’d never seen her looking good before. “What about the other days?” she asked. And then she remembered that I’d complimented her with the very same words sometime back. I just laughed and told her she always looked good. In the end she advised not add the concept of time to a compliment, especially a compliment to a woman.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I don’t remember how many pitchers of beer I and my friends must have guzzle up over useless and crappy and funny conversations, but I still miss those moments at Cafe Mondegar….but you know what the funny thing is….I guess in 2004 when I went there with my best buddies, one of my friend decided not to drink a beer and instead chose to drink buttermilk. We were so embarrased. We were like what the heck are you drinking man, this is not a place to drink buttermilk, people are watching us over the shoulder, but he insisted and so we agreed. In 2014, I went there again, now with my wife Sarah and she hates me drinking beer, so I had no option but to drink coffee. I called up my friend instantly and I was like ….did you cursed me or put a spell on me that day..because 10 years down the line I am drinking a non-alcoholic drink sitting in the same freaking bar on the same table…..ha ha ha.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Pingback: In the Back | fingerprintwriting

  16. Pingback: If We Were Having a Beer | No Facilities

  17. Pingback: Goodbye Sears | No Facilities

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