Hey Kid – You Don’t Have a Chance

Everything you said. Everything you wore. Everything you did and didn't do will be discussed here.
Everything you said. Everything you wore. Everything you did and didn’t do will be discussed here.

I had another blog post written for today. I did. My wife picked it up out of the printer and I told her “you don’t need to read that.” Something happened between when I wrote that and when she discovered it. I spend two hours in a bar. Some of it was spent talking to a friend, but when I first arrived, the bar was crowded. I squeezed in between two guys having dinner and three – young – women. Wow! Three – young – women drinking powerful vodka-based drinks and talking about their boyfriends. Hence the title.

Note: at one point, one of the women apologized for subjecting me to the scathing attack on my gender. I told her that I had always assumed we were doomed when they got together. We laughed, but I was laughing with them. They might have been laughing at me – and – my – kind.

Let’s start with “That date you don’t remember.” It doesn’t matter what event that date was associated with. You don’t remember it and she does. According to the snippets I overheard, it might be the date of your first date. FYI, that wasn’t the day you met her. That wasn’t the day you asked her out. That wasn’t the day you had a cup of coffee with her after class. It was the date of “the date” you know, the time you picked her up and took her out. If you don’t remember the date, you’re toast. If you do remember the date, you’re still toast because you don’t remember where you went, what she wore, what she ate, what she said or what was good and / or bad about that night.

Assuming that you survived the date you don’t remember and you now exist as a “boyfriend” or some other designation, you still have some things to work on. The consensus of the most recent thing that you did wrong was getting that haircut. My editor won’t let me use the language these women used to describe your haircut. This was one of the points where they apologized. I wasn’t offended. I’ve heard worse language, but I will say, if you’re near three women working on a bender, you better be prepared to hear some words. What were you thinking when you got that haircut? Were you trying to look like your friend? Cuz, you should know, he’s a jackass. At least that’s what I’ve been told.

Pirate Gear
Yes, I bought this, but not to wear on date-night.

You might have survived the haircut because sooner or later your hair will grow back. However, that stupid shirt you always wear, that has to go. Did your mother give you that when you were 12? That was one of the suggestions. See, when you wore that shirt the day you had coffee, she thought you might have been working out or something before meeting her. She DID NOT think that you had made a conscious decision to wear that shirt. When you showed up in that shirt a second time she was thinking that she didn’t want to be seen with you. If you wear it again, I fear for your life. If you just can’t part with that shirt, I may be able to help. I have shirts like that. Wear it, but before you pick her up, toss that shirt she bought you over the top. Judging from what I heard today, she remembers everything she ever bought you to wear and she remembers every time you didn’t wear them.

Most of the things that had me laughing out loud fall under the broad category of “that thing you said,” but there are quite a few sub-categories. These all trigger memories of the woman I work with who frequently asks me “why do you speak?” Do you know the worst thing you said?

Monopoly
This is the last time I gave my daughter advice about real estate. See how little money I have?

Think hard, you were probably drinking at the time, but did you actually give her advice? You did, didn’t you? You gave her advice about how she should continue living at home and save her money to buy a house. You, the guy who never seems to have any money, who lives in a rat hole with your jackass buddy and wears the same stupid shirt and probably got your hair cut at the barber school (yeah, it’s cumulative), you gave her advice about money. While you were doing that, you committed the cardinal sin of speaking. You sounded like her father.

Just for the record, I have to agree with them. I think I can speak for all fathers when I say that I don’t want you to sound like me. My advice stands on its own. If I tell my daughter something, it’s based on my experience, my wisdom and my insight. If you tell her the same thing, or a similar thing, you diminish me. You drag me down to your level and I might have to come over and bend your car in half, cuz I don’t like you to begin with.

Even if you weren’t trying to sound like her father, or agree with her father, you gave her advice? Do you have a death wish? Advice? The only men who can give women advice are the men who have daughters.

The other thing that you said that was major league stupid was that thing you said about her ex. Pretend he doesn’t exist. Don’t try to be like him. Don’t try to not be like him. Don’t talk about him at all. Ever. In every comparison you can possibly imagine, you lose. He had good attributes, you know. Every subject you can scrounge up will be the one thing he did better than you.

The other two major subjects you have to work on, the last two up for discussion as my friend, and another round of martinis arrived, were your job (or lack thereof) and your attitude about birth control. Dude, why do you speak?

39 thoughts on “Hey Kid – You Don’t Have a Chance

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  1. Lol! This was very cute, Dan. Perfect thing to start the day with. All I can really say is that thankfully we’re not all like these women!

    Well, except for the remembering everything you ever said bit. Yeah, we’re just born with that ability!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Dang! Those women were right on, Dan. Nothing to add. Heed your own advice. These gals were pros. I cannot wait until the next time you go into the bar and they start talking about other women. Until then–don’t speak, just listen.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t have the words to explain why I found this posts such a joy to read, but man I wish I did. From the women at the bar drinking heavily and chatting (been there), to you listening and adding your two cents (loved your comment about being doomed when they got together LOL) and your monopoly photo story was the perfect ending. You have a great sense of humor. Thanks for the smiles, Dan.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My pleasure Audrey. I was worried about how this might seem to the women readers. My presence didn’t slow them down one little bit. I meant to add that the whole conversation started when one boyfriend texted one of them asking if she was still out.

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        1. This was a rare instance. Most of the women I meet over there are more interested in the kind of conversation you are referring to. We’re close to the airport so we get a lot of travelers who just want to enjoy a meal and some conversation. Still, this was fun to hear. I’ve never been more glad to be happily married though.

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  4. Very funny post, Dan. Things haven’t changed much since my dating days many, many years ago (well, the language might have been a little different). And men haven’t learned anything in all that time, have they?

    Now you should do a mirror post, from the guys’ perspective (or get your wife to go to the bar and listen to some guys.)

    PS: Your daughter looks amazingly like my Cordelia. Maybe it’s the attitude.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! I don’t think we ever learn. Half of the conversations I’ve been in with guys revolve around how we don’t understand women :) It seems we are both blessed with beautiful daughters.

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      1. All three of my girls think Dad is from outer space sometimes, but they love him anyway. And yes, they do listen to his advice – sometimes. Other times they just respond with “oookaaaay, Dad.”

        But I tell you what – when they need help, they don’t hesitate to call.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Dan this was fabulous. I have raised a couple of daughters and have heard this conversation before. Our dining room table used to be like Saturday night live when the daughters had friends over. I never tired of hearing about “old what’s his name” and “who’s its.”

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You spent two hours in a bar listening to some discussion among a trio of vapid women? Dan, you need to play more Monopoly. Or … I don’t know, Scrabble, or hell, even Chutes and Ladders. You want to BUILD brain cells, not destroy them. ;)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Paul, Chutes and Ladders was a terrible drain on my self esteem. My daughter always won. I never seemed to get past the long chute just before the winning space.

      As for the young women, I didn’t spend two hours next to them. My friend rescued me from that fate but our conversation was nothing to write about. These women were food for the journal :)

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Great read as always… Very funny!
    The dating scene is tough, was so glad to be out if it when I got married then my husband turned out to be a monster.
    So if you think bashing boyfriends is bad wait til you overhear a ‘bashing of the ex-husbands’ conversation ! You may not make it out alive LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Being/having an ex makes me not want to consider that conversation. I try to remember only good things about that time. I think two people could have a conversation and be kind to ex’s but once you add a third person, he/she is doomed. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Cheryl. Maybe letting off a little steam in this setting saved them from an argument or a shirt-tearing roommate bashing fight. I think someone earlier mentioned women on the subject of women. Not sure I want to overhear that.

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  8. Too many funny points to comment on each of them, Dan. A really hilarious post here today.
    “The only men who can give women advice are the men who have daughters.”
    Then I supppose it works the other way around, right?
    The only women who can give men advice are the women who have sons.
    Lucky me!
    See around!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not sure if that works in reverse Evelyne. I think both men and women are allowed to give advice to men. At least that’s my experience. Thanks for stopping by. This was unplanned, but it was too good to pass up.

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  9. I hope the gals bought your drinks . Sounds like sitting there was a workout . Sounds like you were sort of the fly on the wall , or the fly caught in a conversation web . Great story . Calm down , though , Dan , calm down .

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ha! I love this post. I had a good laugh at the point where you say you hate the guy sounding like you. You can go over and bend his car! Nice.
    But you are right. “The only men who can give women advice are the men who have daughters.” I agree. I dated a girl once who’d not shut up about her father. Comparing me with him. “My father would have said that.” “You are just like my dad. You guys should bond.” Etc. I started feeling very uncomfortable. I felt that she wanted me to view her father as my role model. I kept fearing the day she would pronounce that I had failed. That I couldn’t be him. We had to split. And another girl who would not shut up about her ex-boyfriends. She had a number of them, and she wasn’t saying extremely nice things about them. I kept thinking one day she would be talking about me like that and I was very discouraged.

    Liked by 1 person

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