I don’t travel a lot. Seriously, I know people who travel farther and way more often than I do. I once described myself as a Travel Wimp, and it’s still a good description. I check bags, schedule long, safe layovers and I pay a little extra for comfort rather than gamble on the chance of getting upgrades at the last minute. I don’t like last minute things.
While I don’t travel regularly or to far-flung destinations, I have traveled enough to have figured out some of the code. The people in the travel industry have a way of explaining things that mask the truth behind seemingly normal requests and information. I can clear some of those up for you:
Airlines say “please step into your row when you get there to let people go by you in the aisle”
What that means: “please step out of the aisle so someone sitting in the back of the plane can put their bag in the bin over your head and you can end up with yours being tossed in the belly.”
The airline president says: “blah blah blah…where your safety and comfort are our most important goals…”
Translation: “we’re going to remove the padding from your seats so we can cram 10 more of you on this flight and then we’re going to start selling access to those overhead bins.”
The AMTRAK Conductor says: “We are going to be delayed here for a few minutes due to some congestion ahead of us.”
Truth be told, that means: “Various governments have ignored the fact that the drawbridge up ahead either fails to open or fails to close 70% of the time. It’s the oldest and busiest bridge on the US rail network, but stuff like that, you know, facts, don’t impress those knuckleheads in Washington.”
You arrive very early at the hotel and the desk clerk says: “Welcome to our hotel. We actually have a room ready for you.”
Lucky you, “…You’re the poor slob who gets the room next to the elevator, with a view of the dumpster.”
“This airport / hotel / airplane / train is proud to offer Free WiFi…”
Means: “If you listen very closely, you might actually be able to hear the modem handshake sound when you try to connect to your email server. Why don’t you give up and have an $8 glass of crummy wine?”
Flight attendant says: “After we reach our cruising altitude it will be our pleasure to serve you from a selection of complimentary beverages and snacks.”
She meant to say: “You can have 8 pretzels, 14 peanuts or two cookies, but we’re out of cookies. You can almost wash those down with a cup of coffee that will remind you of when your daughter played ‘tea-party’ or a portion of a soda reminiscent of the ones your grandmother served.”
The conference you are signing-up for boasts that: “We have negotiated a great rate with the conference hotel.”
I can assure you from personal experience that this means: “The hotel will be performing extensive renovations during our conference. The bar will be closed, room service will be unavailable, only two elevators will be working and they will be programmed to stop on every floor. Hammer-drilling begins at 7:00am and WiFi service will be interrupted periodically but overall service won’t be worse than normal.”
Your pilot says: “Bad weather at our destination will delay our takeoff. We’re going to push back and taxi away from the gate to make room for arriving flights.”
One pilot actually explained this one: “Bad weather at our destination will delay our takeoff. We’re going to push back and taxi away from the gate because if we push back now, this flight will show an ‘on-time departure.’”
Finally – You receive an email announcing astonishing deals on flights to far away resorts “starting as low as $169”
This one is multiple choice: “It’s the off-off season, not the off-season that smart travelers take advantage of, but the one where the resorts make all their repairs.”
Or: “There are only 2 seats available at that price and our Marketing Director’s nephew’s fiancé’s mother and father just booked them for her wedding.”
Or: “The additional taxes and fees that we hint at in the 3pt fine print will bring the cost of this flight back up to $600.”
Or: “The ‘beach resort’ is three blocks away from a rocky outcrop.”
And, of course it could be that: “There is no resort, we aren’t an airline, this is spam and we are going to steal your $169 – have a nice day.”
Safe travels. Remain seated, keep your hands inside at all times and be sure to pack your sense of humor.
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