Eat at God’s

For the love of beer

The perfect place and beverage to share some casual conversation.

If we were having a beer, you would announce that you were buying.

“Cheryl, pour this young man a Yuengling and bring me a glass of that wonderful Cabernet you serve.”

“What are you so happy about?”

“I finished putting up my Christmas lights.”

“That explains the glow in the west. I thought it was the airport.”

“Here you go boys, one beer, one cab, and here’s a little something for later.”

“Thanks! Mint-filled Hershey’s Kisses. Later you say? Are you sure they don’t go with wine?”

“Feel free, but that’s all you get.”

“So anyway, how many lights do you put up?”

“A few thousand, but who’s counting? What about you? Can I assume yours is a humbug house?”

“I decorate a little evergreen at the end of the ramp. It’s understated but adorable.”

“That’s it? One little tree? You go with understated inside because of your cats, what’s outside to prevent you from going a little crazy?”

“Winter.”

“Winter? It was in the 50s yesterday.”

“I know, but I can remember years where I was chiseling Christmas lights out of my gutters while standing on a ladder anchored in snow. I’m done with that.”

“Not me. Putting up Christmas lights makes me feel like a kid again.”

Dads lights“The last thing I want is to be reminded of putting up Christmas lights when I was a kid.”

“How many lights did your dad put up?”

“It wasn’t the number, it was the OCD approach he took.”

“Keeping the lights in sets of red-blue-yellow-green-orange-white?”

“I wish it had been that simple.”

“Explain…”

“He ran lights along the gutters, down and across the bushes.”

“Sounds like the basic rectangle pattern. How hard could that be?”

“Only the lights on the gutters and on the bushes could be lit.”

“I don’t get it. How did he accomplish that?”

“We removed the bulbs from every socket that wasn’t on a gutter or a bush. The ones from the outlet to the gutter, the ones from the gutters to the bushes and the ones between bushes. Then we put electrical tape over the end of the empty sockets. Then we wrapped each of those sockets in a Baggie. Then we wrapped the Baggies in electrical tape.”

“That must have looked great. I may steal that idea next year.”

“Feel free.”

“So, you never put lights up after that?”

“I did when our daughter was little. In fact, I let her help me one year, but I got into some serious trouble with my wife.”

“You guys OK over here?”

“We are Cheryl. Dan is about to explain how he got into trouble with his wife for putting Christmas lights up.”

“Your wife? She’s pretty sweet. How on earth did you manage that?”

“Well, I was home watching our daughter, who was about three. I wanted to string lights across the roof, but I didn’t want her to try and follow me up the ladder.”

“This sounds sensible so far.”

“I figured that the safest place for her would be on the roof with me. I walked her up the ladder. Took her to the middle of the roof and had her sit down. Then I went back down and got the lights.”

“You told your wife that you did this?”

“No. She was on her way home. When she turned the corner to our street, she saw Faith sitting on the roof alone.”

“Which one of you is paying today?”

“I am, why?”

“I didn’t want to jeopardize my tip by telling him that he’s an idiot.”

“Your tip is safe.”

“If you wanted your daughter to help, you could have let her help you make some decorations.”

“That’s a woman’s approach. Guys don’t get all craftsy.”

“I’m going to go before I blow that tip.”

“Actually, I did that one year. I got in trouble for that too.”

“What did you make?”

“Faith was a little older that year. We cut a star, a Christmas tree and a Cross out of plywood and we outlined them all in mini-lights. We put the star on a Nativity scene, the tree on the house and I put the cross above the door to our breezeway.”

“I’m assuming you didn’t take Faith back up the ladder, how’d you get into trouble?”

“The lights were blinking. My wife said it looked more like ‘Eat at God’s’ than Merry Christmas.”

“You know what? Maybe it’s a good thing you go the understated route these days. Cheryl, bring my friend Clark another Yuengling, and keep him away from ladders.”

I didn't have a digital camera back then.

I didn’t have a digital camera back then.

About Dan Antion

Husband, father, woodworker, cyclist, photographer, geek - oh wait, I’m writing this like I only have 140 characters. I am all those things, and more, and all of these passions present me with opportunities to observe, and think about things that I can’t write about in other places. I have started this blog to catch the stuff that falls out, overflows and just plain doesn’t fit the other containers in my life.
This entry was posted in Family, Humor, If having a beer and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

70 Responses to Eat at God’s

  1. I have smiled and chuckled through this entire post. The beer always grabs my attention, but when a New Englander starts talking about outside lights I can visualize the challenges quite clearly. I set up outside lights for several years for my grandkids including dragging a wagon full of extension cords, wrapping each connection in plastic, lighting bushes, trees, sleds – well, you get it. Setting it up was never a problem because I’d pick a decent day. Putting those suckers away after January 1st was the issue – shoveling snow, digging at ice mounds, and trying to wrap frozen electrical cords. I stopped about three years ago and have not missed it one bit. I have lots of lights inside and candles in every window. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. And, how you survived fatal injury when your wife turned the corner and saw Faith on the roof I do not know. Hysterically funny to hear, but I cannot imagine the conversation once she got out of the car and Faith returned to earth. :-)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dan Antion says:

      Thanks Judy. It’s good to have the support of someone who has been there and suffered the same fate. I also had one year where I had lights in a tree, couldn’t get them down until Spring and found that the squirrels had eaten through. I figured most people would see my wife’s side of the 3-yr-old on the roof story. At least my daughter isn’t afraid of heights :)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. GP Cox says:

    Hysterical, Dan. Just the kind of chuckling I needed this morning!! Thanks!

    Another roofing goof?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. bikerchick57 says:

    Just a minute while I wipe the tears from my eyes…

    LOL a thousand times! Funny, funny, funny!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Tee-hee! Love the pretend Polaroids. Dan, you’ve outdone yourself this time. That was wonderfully told. I’m still chuckling. Great big holiday hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Almost Iowa says:

    “I figured that the safest place for her would be on the roof with me. I walked her up the ladder. Took her to the middle of the roof and had her sit down. Then I went back down and got the lights.”

    [shudder] It is not the thought of what might happen to the kid that is worrying, it is what happens when you get caught.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dan Antion says:

      Yeah…I got caught, and in the worst possible way. Faith was actually fine up there. It was a 5/12 pitch roof, no real danger with her on her butt. She was enjoying the view. It might have been better if I had been on the roof with her when my wife turned the corner. As it was, oh the humanity…Thanks for dropping by.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Funny. Every year I have to submit my lighting plan to the head of the house for approval. The key is tasteful. I was approved again this year.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. loisajay says:

    Dan–this is an absolute riot! I cannot imagine what your wife thought when she saw Faith up on the roof alone. Safe, but alone. “Eat at God’s”? Oh, my. I had to go back and read this again. I am loving it! :D

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dan Antion says:

      Thanks Lois. My wife still shakes her head with respect to my “logic” that day. She was always worried when she was leaving me to be the “responsible adult” in any situation, I’m glad you enjoyed it. Have a great weekend.

      Like

  8. bikerchick57 says:

    Reblogged this on Mary J Melange and commented:
    Blogging buddy Dan Antion at No Facilities will have you in Christmas stitches. This is LOL worthy.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Dan Hen says:

    I am a minimalist light putter-upper. No confusion with God Eats Here or anything . Otherwise , as funny as you make it sound , Dan , my blood pressure would be through the roof by the time I’d be done .

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dan Antion says:

      Yeah, that’s why I just wrap lights around a little bush these days Dan. Who needs that kind of aggravation. Plus, when I start doing things like this, the spirit of my dad takes over and I get a little OCD-like too.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. LOL! He-Man always hung the lights at the beginning of Dec. and I insisted that they be taken down by the first week-end after the Jan. 1st. I don’t like having them up after Christmas. To me it makes them less “special”.
    Since Big Baby Boy was about 4 or 5 he’d help Dad hang the lights. I never caught him on the roof when was little. THANKFULLY!

    This year for the first time in eons we don’t have lights. We have 3 gables now that are pretty high, and He-Man can’t do the ladder yet ( still recovering from repairing his Patella Tendon).
    Since the gables are new they’re going to require new hooks, and a new plan. That’s not my forté.
    We’ve only got a wreath on the door so, it feels less cheery outside. Perhaps next year we’ll have lights for Christmas. I like your little tree. Perhaps there’s time for me to get something to put by the door with lights.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dan Antion says:

      It’s the “down by January” edit that causes the problem here. We might get a snow storm, or worse, ice between the two holidays and then I’m in trouble. Or, it rains :(

      After I rebuilt the roof, I was reluctant to install new hooks everywhere. I’m happy with the little tree. I have room to expand by doing the columns and the porch gable, if I get the bug again.

      I’m glad you enjoyed this, I always appreciate your comments.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Sammy D. says:

    Ahhh. Great flow to this charming story 😊. Loved it – Christmas past, present and future all woven through your tale.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. jan says:

    Oh my gosh! Too funny. Of course, I can imagine your wife’s reaction!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. joannesisco says:

    Déjà vu!! My husband did the same thing when our 2 sons were very young. I came home to find them all on the roof. It must be a guy-thing ;)
    The difference is that in my household, the male voices outnumber the female 3:1. Male logic always wins. I’ve just learned to accept it.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Great use of dialogue to share a fun conversation between two men and a waitress. Near Christmas. Smiling still. :-)

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Ha ha ha. To each his own when it comes to decorating. I have to admit I’m a minimalist…now I remember why :-)

    Liked by 1 person

  16. AmyRose🌹 says:

    Are you serious? Wait until I catch my breath! Have a got this right? YOU put Faith on the ROOF? What were you thinking, Dan? Did you tie her to something or anchor her to something so she couldn’t move? Tears streaming I laughed so hard! We don’t do lights inside due to cats and we don’t do lights outside due to usually freezing temps. I guess you could call our house bah humbug house. Thanks for putting a huge smile on my face!! I LOVE theser beer talks!! <3

    Liked by 1 person

  17. joey says:

    AHAHAHA! Excellent stories! Eat at God’s! AHAHAHA! Your wife, she is so funny!

    Per Mark Bialczak, I’m thinking about planting a dwarf evergreen just so I can have a small outside display :)

    Liked by 2 people

  18. reocochran says:

    Oh boy! Men! I don’t think it was wise to set a kid on the roof either. I had a hard time convincing my ex that he had to go UP behind my first child on a slide. He found out on a really tall slide the “error of his ways.” Carrie looked down at her Dad waiting at the bottom of the slide in front then she turned around and stepped off the top step of the slide at the back. A kid will land on their head because it is the heaviest part of them. I have nightmares of running in slow motion trying to get there in time to catch her. We ended up in the ER with nurses and the doctor scolding my poor ex. I didnt need to lecture him, he felt so bad. I cried until we found out she had just suffered a mild concussion. She was a very smart toddler but did not realize the danger nor how high up she was. (Like on the roof.) Thank goodness, your daughter had some sense to sit still. I found your Dad’s way of doing the lights quite interesting, Dan. Merry days ahead, friend. :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dan Antion says:

      I was pretty sure she would sit still. I was positive that she would follow me up the ladder if I tried to leave her on the ground. Obviously, I could have just waited for my wife to get home, but, well, I’ve never been really good with the obvious. I’m very glad to hear that your daughter wasn’t seriously hurt. That must have been scary until you heard the news at the hospital. Thanks for visiting today Robin.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Aunt Beulah says:

    This hilarious, illustrated story seems to be the sort that’s retold at family get togethers into eternity with Faith and your wife doing the retelling and you still trying to explain.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Glynis Jolly says:

    During my years as a kid, there was a painter who lived next door with his family. He did both outside and inside work and it was his own business. Not a lot of money coming in but he make ends meet for his family. However, that wasn’t the only kind of painting he did. He was an artist, and, in my opinion, a good one. Each year, for the holiday season, he painted a scene that was relative to the calibrations. He’d, then, attach his large canvas to a large piece of rectangular wood, fray it around the edges, and put it at an angle on his front lawn with a spot light on it. Presto, the largest holiday postage stamp you could imagine. He had people coming to see it each year who lived on the other side of the city (Denver).

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Your post is hilarious, Dan. I love your re-enactments and those sketches are brilliant, especially that last one. I can’t make my mind up whether it looks like the Adam’s family lives there or a member of the KKK.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. dweezer19 says:

    Haha! Oh my……i think I would have voted for harnessing her to the porch with some toys…..ummmmIdiot may have been a bit harsh though. Sorry about that comment. 😉
    Once, when our youngest was just walking age, my husband was up on his Mom’s frame house roof, doing repairs. The “baby” had been picking up and p,aying with pecans from her tree out in the yard. Suddenly I look out theough the screen door as I had been every few minutes and he was nowhere. I jumped out the door and loked up just in yime to see him put one pudgy leg over the top rung of the ladder to climb onto the roof with his Dad. I yelled at my husband to grab him and flew up the ladder quicker than Ole St Nick hopped up on cocoa. These things do happen…..lol dad was a bit OCD eh? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dan Antion says:

      I won’t hold the “idiot” remark against you. I think it’s milder than the word my wife used. Actually, she probably only thought it, not wanting to startle Faith. These things do happen. Faith agrees that she probably would have followed me up the ladder, just as your son did. Once, when we had our cabinet shop, my wife brought Faith (about 14-16 months old) up with her when she stopped in to help with something. She always brought a playpen, but she was still unloading and hadn’t set it up yet. In no time at all, we heard the sound of one of my stationary power tools starting. I flew to that end of the shop. After that day, all the breakers to the tools were off before they got there. No harm, but sufficiently scared.

      Yeah, dad was a tad on the OC side of the line. Thanks for serving up the beer and joining us on Saturdays.

      Like

  23. dweezer19 says:

    Always a pleasure Dan! Happy holidays to you are your beautiful family. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Paul says:

    I’m buying again? How did that happen, especially when the next electric bill is going to be higher, thanks to all these Christmas lights? O_o Good post, Dan!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Wendy Brydge says:

    You’ll certainly get no criticism from me, Dan, for putting Faith on the roof. My dad also had me on roofs from a ridiculously young age and I assure you, there was no WAY I was going to be anything but careful up there. No creeping to the edge, no fooling around. I knew what danger was. And if Dad said “stay”, I stayed. As my dad might quip, “Why wouldn’t she be fine? I didn’t raise my daughter to be dumb!”

    As for your dad’s method of stringing Christmas lights… I may or may not have used this technique before…..

    I admit to nothing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dan Antion says:

      Thanks Wendy. It’s good to put one in the “I’m OK with this” column (not many there). My father had me on ladders and high places early on as well. I like his comment. I was certain that someone would recognize that technique of hanging lights. I understand that it may or may not be you, but I’m good with that :) Have a very Merry Christmas.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Funny post. I was smiling through the entire post. You’re really good at this. I am funny too, but I find it hard to translate that humor on post. If you ask any of my friends, they’ll tell you how ‘naughty’ I could be. And guess what I’m labeled as introvert. Ha Ha.Ha.

    Liked by 1 person

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