Dear Santa – These People Need Coal

Sign of Season
Also give coal to the people who break into cars during the holidays.

Mindful of the pressures of the season, I decided to publish something less serious today. Something you can breeze through and move on. Maybe you can like, or nod your head or even add someone to the list. No names please, just categories of people who should receive coal or fruitcake for Christmas.

Let’s rant.

The people who follow me on Twitter only to offer me ways of increasing the number of followers I have in exchange for a small fee. I’m pretty sure that I could double the number of followers I have if I tweeted: “I want more followers and I’ll gladly pay to get them.”

The companies that have no holiday spirit yet jump on the bandwagon of Christmas and other wintertime holidays to sell me stuff. Included in this list is:

My cable company – you already get too much of my money and, you put the Military Channel and the Science Channel in an expensive Sports package

The company that wants to replace my cable company – for even more money, but which doesn’t offer service in our town

The phone company that wants to replace my phone company and my cable company – stop it!

The local hospital’s surgical center – ‘cuz nothing says Merry Christmas like having a surgical robot removing one of my organs. I drive by your LED billboard every day and I could use a break.

Pharmaceutical companies – no names, but all of them. I’d list the side effects I don’t want, but I don’t have enough words in my budget

Banks – Sorry Mr. Potter, I like my money where it is

Fast food restaurants – ‘cuz meat spun off of chicken necks, wings and backs in a centrifuge and then smushed together into a patty will remind me of Christmas at grandma’s. OK, I admit that would be a step up from one of my grandmothers, but that’s a story for another day.

<add your entry here>

Car dealers. Granted, if you walk into a car dealer this week, you will likely find a shabby Santa giving away candy canes, lukewarm coffee and stale QuikieMart cookies, but they aren’t really in the spirit of the season. Car dealers will have a sale for any holiday. If you are too busy to buy a car this week, next week will be the New Year’s sale, then the MLK sale, then the Super bowl, Valentine’s Day and Presidents multi-week extravaganza. Then they will turn green for St. Pats and…when’s Easter this year?

Mattress stores. These are just like car dealers, except their products don’t have wheels and an engine. Otherwise, it would be hard to tell whose ad you are reading. Someday, they are going to merge – “Every truck sold comes with a free mattress” and “Buy a mattress today and drive it home in a free truck.”

Credit card companies, rent-to-own businesses and payday loan companies that prey on the people who can’t afford the kind of Christmas all the other companies keep telling them they have to have if they ever hope to get married, have kids or have their family member love them. It’s not about stuff!

Network executives who put the “ass” in “classic.” You know, the ones who thought remaking Dr. Seuss stories using real people and sarcastic preppy kids using big-people words was a good idea. Give me the animated Grinch any day over that awful remake. While you’re at it Santa, throw some coal at put some coal into the stocking of, no, I was right the first time, throw some coal at the people who remade “Miracle on 34th Street.”

People with agendas that use holiday parties, holiday headlines, holiday football games and family gatherings as their platform of choice. They had truces during major wars at Christmas time, don’t you think we could suspend next November’s election for 24 hours?

OK, I promised a quick read, so I’ll wrap this up. Whose abuse of the holidays bothers you? Images are part of the Smithsonian Archive and as near as I can figure, I am in compliance with their fair-use requirements.

73 thoughts on “Dear Santa – These People Need Coal

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  1. The person or people who decided that Christmas should start in September/October needs to receive coal. You may remember, Dan, the days when there were no ads or holiday music or decorations until the week of Thanksgiving. And most people were okay with that because it made Christmas a bit more special. So, definitely coal for those people.

    I also want to give coal to those who are unapologetically pushing Phone-a-Santa on Pandora. Really? Do parents need to have their children hear that when they’ve already taken them to see six Santas and three dozen elves? They say this is for people who “can’t get out” to see Santa in person. Uh-huh. Well…wait a minute…if Santa is at the mall today, how the heck is he answering Susie’s phone call?

    That’s it for me. There are other specific people that I would give coal to, but since you don’t want names, I’ll be nice. I certainly don’t want coal in my stocking this Christmas.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Mary, those are two great additions. I don’t use Pandora, so I wasn’t aware of that dumb idea. As for the status of your stocking, does Gibbs have you on the nice or naughty list? You know Santa always checks with the cat after coming down the chimney.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dan if I did not know better I would get the impression you were not a friend of rampant capitolism! Nice post. And for the first windmill of the day I usually prefer the slightly smaller one. However according to Sancho that choice seldom improves the outcome !!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hmmmm …. Since I just pulled my head from a mud puddle, I am going to pass here and keep my head in play mode. I will say this … whoever thought of playing Christmas music in October in stores should be flogged. There, you got ONE thing out of me and now I go back to PLAY. LOL <3

    Liked by 2 people

      1. OH I shared all right. LOL I could have played all day yesterday!!! Did you know that there are coloring books for adults geared to decrease stress? I bought some along with Crayola crayons. Oh goodie, more playing!!!! :) <3

        Liked by 3 people

            1. I agree!!! I just told my Mom about these books and if I enjoy them, I am buying them for her too!!! I LOVE to doodle and draw and color! I used to all the time with my pastels and then life took a turn for BUSY and I got away from it. Now that winter is upon us and my gardens are closed I’ll have more PLAY time for ME!!! YAY!! <3

              Liked by 2 people

  4. Not a rant but a suggestion for the entertainment industry, how about one day a year without shootings, stabbing, blood or gore on television? How about making that day, Christmas?

    On a side note, it was my computer systems that counted homicides in Minneapolis and later in my career in Minnesota. We typically had a murder every other day. At home on my television, I could expect about one every half-hour – on a good day. Like one of my buddies said, “it was the NRA who taught us that shooting paper targets was cool. It was Hollywood who taught us shooting people was cool.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Some of these are really redundant and they end up costing us more money. I have never bought a car because of some TV ad. When I decided what car I wanted, there’s only one dealer convenient to me. Even though I would have ended up at the same dealer, buying the same car, the cost of that car includes a portion of the advertising by both manufacturer and dealer. Thanks for your comment !

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Amen. Run for President – I’ll vote for you because you hit every one of my hot buttons. The other thing that affects all of us are those soupy, FB like, commercials where families of 20 plus all drive up in their brand new cars, assemble in the gorgeous two-story house, hugging and smiling, to eat the six-course meal and have the most perfect of days. Hey ad guys and gals, the 99% of us out here just don’t have families like that because we are ‘real’ and therefore have the normal challenges of life. I wonder if they ever consider how their ads affect folks who are already depressed about not being able to meet the expectations for the holidays. Whew, I’m done – coal to the ad execs. :-)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Judy. I’ll send them a big load. You’re so right. None of those commercials show the elderly relatives that need to be helped into the house, or the weird uncle, or the pie that didn’t turn out right or the crying child that didn’t get what they wanted. Have a Merry (normal) Christmas :)

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks JoLynn. It was actually your mentioning that story on Facebook that caused me to pick the featured picture. That’s our daughter Faith in the elevator of a train station parking garage. Just what you want to see as you leave your car behind for the day.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. How about that Elf on a Shelf that has set all the kids a-twitter ? Can you imagine being the kid in class whose parent(s) can’t afford to buy into that $30 a pop nonsense. It’s no longer enough that Santa is watching; now you have to shell out for this scam.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I hope you follow this up with a post about the miracle workers among us. I nominate the auto repair shop owner in a tiny northeastern Colorado town who cancelled a customer’s $1,500 repair bill when he found out the single Dad could barely make ends meet trying to care for his autistic son. It’s the unsung heroes like this ‘ordinary American’ who give me hope we haven’t completely lost the true spirit of our Holy Christmas.

        Merry Christmas to your family and hugs all ’round 💞 Sammy

        Liked by 3 people

  7. Yes, the list of coal-worthy recipients is a long one, Dan. Their negative spirit is so well exemplified in the Twilight Zone episode “Night of the Meek” by the department-store manager and the pushy mother. Corwin’s speech about how people like that don’t understand the true spirit of Christmas is so achingly accurate, I don’t know whether to cheer or cry.

    At any rate, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas — and that Santa puts something really nice under the tree for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh man, you hit the nail on the head with the ads for home media! It would take 500 words to explain our frustration in moving here, when we got here and we had to have a certain cable company for our ISP. We have, since the day we moved in, been targeted by mail from that better provider, even though our area was not eligible. Now, two years later, the better is finally available here, but we all know SOMEHOW this will end up costing us more the first few months. Ending service with them is like breaking up with an obsessive boyfriend! So annoying!
    Also, coal for the Christians who only reveal their faith and get preachy at Christmas and Easter. I think their hypocritical coal should look shiny and then shatter into shards when they try to hold it. One is either a person of faith, or one is not. It’s not a mask to put on with the lights.
    Coal for parents who cut in the car line.
    Coal for people who call with a phishing scam.

    I like how you’ve included “it’s not about stuff.”
    No coal for you, EVER.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Joey. I remember severing a contract with Sirius Radio. Oh my was that the hardest thing ever. I actually have a draft of that in my to-write-someday folder. Yes it will cost you a lot to leave. Yes it will cost you more once you get there and yes your current company will improve after you leave. The possible benefit is that when call your current company, they will cut you a very sweet deal to stay. Cut in the car line – coal. Preachy C/E Christians – coal. Phishers – coal. I’m glad you’re on my team. Have a very Merry Christmas.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I will have a Merry Christmas, and you do the same :)
        When we bought Bonnie Blue, we had no intention of keeping all those bells and whistles, the OnStar, the Sirius, and more, not that I understood it. What I knew from my other friends (who had experiences like yours) was that I should not set them up, no credit cards, just rejection at every turn. I got relentless mail almost every day with warnings about my service ending.and they still send me special offers to reinstate my services. SO ANNOYING. And you know, you’re older than I, driven longer than I, so you know better than I do — I do not need all that to get from one place to another. Yes, it’s nice. No, it’s not worth $$$ every month.
        Like when we get offers for more data. LOL We barely use our phones. They should refund us for our lightly used 1G of data! :D

        Liked by 1 person

  9. You have a number of fine ones listed. I would like to add the guys who sell the gizmo that allows you to warn people that you have fallen and can’t get up. They are always full of the Christmas spirit when they ask me if I feel secure during the holidays.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Peace? That doesn’t sound good for the economy… Some of those commercials are very hard to watch. Especially when you realize that they wouldn’t run them if they didn’t work. Thanks for weighing in on this.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. All companies that DON’T offer premium sales on their already overpriced products until TWO days before Christmas when you can get what you totally need at rock bottom prices-if only you’re a high stakes roller who will bet on them having anything you want in stock that late in the game.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hmm, people worthy of coal, you say?

    1) Banks. 50 years ago, banks understood that they wouldn’t even exist without the money of their patrons. So they would compete with each other and offer incentives for you and me and choose THEM as our money’s storage facility. Today, they think it’s appropriate to charge $2.25 for a passbook, and force new customers to pay a fee just for the privilege of opening a bank account. On “The Beverly Hillbillies”, Mr. Drysdale would have personally knit Jed Clampett a monogrammed sweater made of pink Pomeranian fur just to keep him as a patron! So the only thing cold and hard that the banks should get this year is coal.

    2) People at the grocery store who are too lazy to return their carts / people who are too lazy to pick up products that they drop on the floor / people who are too lazy to return products they no longer wish to buy to their proper place in the store. This irks me so badly. I’m constantly stopping to pick up stuff off the floor when I’m shopping. I turn down an aisle and see something carelessly left on the floor, and how can I just walk past it without taking 2 seconds to bend down, pick it up, and put it back on the shelf/hanger? What kind of people do that? Drop something (especially something that doesn’t belong to them) and then just walk away? Or you get to the cash register and the person in front of you decides, “Hey, I just pushed this cart all over the store, but now my items are on the conveyor belt, and I don’t feel like pushing that cart the remaining 20 feet to where it belongs. Yes, I’m going to walk right past the cart return with my groceries in hand, but I just CAN’T bring myself to push that cart another inch!” TWO lumps of coal for those people, please. And a bag of burning doggie doo doo on their front porch.

    Ah, that was sort of therapeutic. Thanks for the outlet, Dan!

    P.S. Is that a Coke Faith is drinking?? Bam. Sorry, Dan, but if that red wrapper isn’t a Dr. Pepper, then I think I just won the whole universe with that. Coke > Pepsi

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sigh…, yes, that’s a Coke Wendy, you win. As I recently pointed out to Faith when she wondered why she was doing something “we get genes from both parents.” Obviously, I didn’t think this through when I picked that picture. Worse yet, out of the four images in this post, Facebook selected that one to go with it when I shared this, so, despite my disclaimer, it looks like I’m saying that Faith should get coal.

      Don’t get me started on shopping carts. I’m not often at a grocery store, but people are the same with the carts at Home Depot and Lowes, and some of those have the capacity to do some serious damage to your car. I typically park “up stream” in those lots, because a bump or even a large gust of wind will put some of those in motion. Those people should get coal and I like that you added: “And a bag of burning doggie doo doo on their front porch” – nice touch!

      We’re in solid agreement on banks and bankers. Thanks for adding to the rant and have a Merry Christmas :)

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well, I’M certainly glad you included that picture! Don’t worry, I’ll only gloat about the Coke for a little while… or I might bring it up in 6 months out of the blue when I want to win again, lol! And Merry Christmas to you, Mrs. A, and Faith too, Dan!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Somebody did mention (in the Christmas Lights post comments) that my house, in the dark, looked like the Adams Family might live there (ahem, not the Munsters), so I’m not sure it’s a complete victory. OK, yes, I know I’m grabbing frantically at straws…

          Liked by 1 person

  12. Great list Dan! Those added in the comments are great too, and I agree with everyone.

    I’ll add people who will squeeze into a parking spot so close to you that you need a can opener to get in to your car! Coal to them!

    Merry Christmas to you and the family Dan!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I can relate to that list! Especially mattress stores. I have this thing for mattresses. There is a plot against us! My couch is very old and has nice spring and doesn’t sag yet a month-old mattress leaves body impressions. They want us back in there buying yet another mattress so they can’t make the beds not sag because otherwise we’d keep our mattresses for 15 years like in the old days.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Laura. I get the same pressure from the dealer where I bought my car. When I bought it they told me it would last a good long time. Now, I get emails once or twice a week telling me how old it is (it’s a 2012). I don’t want to buy another car!


  14. I hope this list is still open for additions because I want to add the people who make that nasty candied fruit for fruitcakes. They totally deserve coal. I think my Mom’s rum cake should be the new official Christmas cake. It’s delish because as the name says—it has rum in it and probably as much sugar as a baked item can possibly contain.

    Liked by 1 person

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