Sometimes, in spite of all the smart things they do, Amazon seems as dumb as a bag of hammers. Oh sure, they have warehouses that are so automated that they don’t even have to have lights on. They have One-click checkout and wish lists and reviews and oh-so-many shipping options. And, for whatever it is you want, need or already bought somewhere else, you can rest assured that they have it available for less than you might spend or have already spent.
Despite the fact that they have probably collected more data about me than my wife has, they don’t seem to know Jack about me. In case they, or their
employees minions robots army of flying monkeys happens to follow this blog: “Amazon, listen-up I’mma gonna learn ya somthin:’ “
Note: These lessons are in response to emails received from Amazon’s monkeys, during the past four weeks.
“You bought this. Do you want to buy 10 things just like it?” – No, one jointer knife-setting gauge will suffice. You see, I only have one jointer. Even if I owned more than one jointer, I could set the knives on them with the same gauge. Maybe you should spend some time learning about the stuff you sell.
“We want to know about your Amazon experience. Was it good for you?” – I chose the “Amazon experience” because I thought it would be quick and painless. Quick? Maybe. Unless I answer all these surveys. Painless? Far from it. I might get carpal tunnel just deleting this stuff.
“Please rate and review everything you bought. Hurry, the world wants to know.” – I bought gifts! As far as gifts go, they were fine. They wrapped up nicely and they fit under the tree. I bought gifts at Target, too, but they aren’t hounding me asking if I liked that bag of chocolate I put out for my coworkers. Figure out who I gave those gifts to and send them a survey.
“These 15 things are on sale right now.” – Who cares? The point of Amazon, for me, is that I have an idea, I search, I find, I buy. I don’t wander around looking for ideas. I go to a store for that experience. And, if I see something in the store, I buy it. I don’t check to see if it’s cheaper on Amazon ‘cuz that’s just wrong!
And no, I don’t want to join Amazon Prime.
I know, it might be a good idea. It might save me money. Get me faster shipping. I’d get to watch movies and listen to music, but then I’d also be more connected to Amazon. I want less of that. If my existing connection to Amazon worked better, I might consider it, but as it is, I don’t think that would end well. I would expect things like:
“We noticed that you listened to two songs by the Allman Brothers. The Bee Gees were brothers, maybe you would enjoy Night Fever.”
“You watched ‘The Bridge Over the River Kwai’ last night. Would you like to watch ‘The Bridges of Madison County’ tonight? How about “Bridge to Terabithia?”
And, oh my goodness “NO!!!” I do not want an Amazon Echo, Dot, Puck or carpet munching robot following me around while being hooked into everything in my house. No!” I’m pretty good with “honey, it’s cold down here, can you turn up the heat” and “do we have any Swiss cheese?”
Now, I grant you, if it’s 8:00 pm and we don’t have any Swiss cheese, my wife isn’t likely to go get me some. But, neither is she likely to say: “Wait, there are 14 places within 5 miles that sell Swiss cheese, do you want directions? I can get some on Friday when I buy groceries. If you promise to put gas in my car, I can get some tomorrow, and if you run it through the carwash after getting gas, I’ll go get some right now.”
Maybe Amazon can fly me some cheese. Still, when I think of all the surveys I’d have to fill out about the drone service, my head hurts – “Was the drone quiet?” “Did the drone land in the right spot?” “Did the drone frighten your dog?” and then, the emails – “Our drone noticed a newspaper on your porch. Would you like Alexa to cancel that and read you our curated news?” “Our drone had to fly around your Dogwood tree. We have five affiliated arborists in within a 15-mile radius of your house. Do you want Alexa to schedule one to prune that thing?” “Our drone detected 15% moisture content in the exhaust vent of your dryer. An efficient dryer would have at least an 18% reading. Click here to see all the LG Driers we have ready for immediate delivery in your area.”
So, dear Amazon monkey, handle the data you have about me a little better, and maybe I’ll consider giving you more. Until then, I’ll stay close to my delete button.
Not the Bee Gees!