If we were having a beer, you would be driving me crazy.
“Wow, you guys are late today. I was about ready to give up.”
“Sorry, Cheryl. I ran into my young friend at Target, but we needed more time to finish shopping.”
“Correction. You needed more time. I was on my way out.”
“That’s true, but that’s because you don’t shop correctly.”
“OK, before you old ladies start bickering, would you like to order?”
“Give us two bottles of Yuengling.”
“What? You’re having a beer today?”
“I like an occasional beer, and you keep yapping about this stuff; I thought I’d give it a try.”
“Here you go. Two beers, and here’s today’s specials, in case you want some food.”
“Chicken and bacon Quesadillas? Oooh, those look good.”
“Maybe we can split an order.”
“You want me to put that in now?”
“No Cheryl, wait until I finish this beer
“What? First you get my hopes up, now you tell me we have to wait. What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing. I just want to finish this beer. I prefer wine with food.”
“Quesadillas…they go just fine with beer.”
“I have a civilized palate; I’d rather wait.”
“OK, fine. Cheryl, can you bring me a bowl of the seafood chowder. I’ll eat that while Mr. Fancy-pants cleans his palate.”
“It won’t take me that long, I’m just having the one beer.”
“The way you’re nursing it, we could starve waiting for you to finish. And, what’s with the crack about me not shopping correctly?”
“You don’t shop. You gather merchandise.”
“Oh, you mean I don’t wander around the store.”
“Correct.”
“I know what I want. I go to the store and I buy it, and I leave. I think that counts as shopping.”
“You ignore the experience, the same way you guzzle your beer.”
“I’m not guzzling my beer, I’m drinking it like a normal person.”
“Here’s your chowder. You want another beer?”
“I do.”
“Said the guzzler.”
“Cheryl, when you go to Target, do you get what you need and leave, or do you wander around a bit?”
“Oh, I wander around. How else would I find clothes or stuff for the grandkids?”
“See, you could learn from us. How’s that chowder?”
“Very good.”
“Did you eat anything interesting while in Florida?”
“Yes and no.”
“How’s that?”
“They served these homemade pastries for breakfast that looked really good.”
“Looked good? I’m guessing there’s not a happy ending to this story.”
“No. Turns out they were gluten-free energy bars.”
“Did you put it back?”
“No, someone had seen me take it.”
“How was it?”
“It tasted like granola, but without the flavor.”
“Eew.”
“If we order the quesadillas now, do you think you can finish that beer before they come?”
“What’s your hurry?”
“I’m hungry.”
“You just had a bowl of soup.”
“And you just had your forth sip of beer. It’s like time moves slower in your universe.”
“OK. Cheryl, put an order of quesadillas in, and please bring me a glass of water and a glass of Meiomi.”
“How about you, you need another beer?”
“When the food is up. Who knows, maybe I’ll just finish his.”
“Besides the hippie-throwback breakfast, was it just standard conference fare?”
“They served these interesting appetizers at dinner one night. Grilled shrimp and tereso.”
“Is that that sausage-like stuff?”
“Yes.”
“That sounds good.”
“Yeah, except they served it in a martini glass, over grits.”
“Mmmmm, I love grits.”
“I can’t stand them. I asked the guy if he could just give me the shrimp and sausage.”
“Was he offended?”
“He was. People in the south need to see you give some love for grits.”
“Rightly so. When I was in Florida, grits were a staple at our house. Here’s your wine, your water, are you done with that beer?”
“Almost?”
“He’s going for the record. Cheryl.”
“Well, the quesadillas will be right up.”
“Got it. Just make sure you bring two things of sour cream with those quesadillas.”
“You must like a lot of sour cream; we give a pretty good portion.”
“I don’t like to share. He might double-dip. I wouldn’t want any if he did that.”
“You’re driving me nuts. I don’t shop correctly, I guzzle my beer, and now, apparently, I eat…”
“…like a caveman.”
“You know, if you weren’t paying, I’d be offended.”
Funny, before I got to the, “eat anything interesting in Florida,” I could swear I’d seen this couple bickering while visiting my mother, in Florida! That was a fun piece to read…Best DG.
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Thanks. This is why we usually stick to just beer and wine.
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Delicious looking food except for those ‘not pastries.’ My daughter is a foodie and gave me this bar that she likes to eat for lunch. So, one day I unwrapped it, took a bite, and very unlady like spit it out. Nasty tasting. I don’t care how healthy something is suppose to be, it still needs to taste like food if I’m suppose to eat it. :-) Sounds like you had a good trip, well, except for the grits. :-)
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Thanks Judy. I was looking for comfort food at breakfast, coffee and something good tasting and bad for me :) I felt like saying “I have enough energy to get through this day. I’m looking for a reward!” It is a good conference, and I really enjoy going. Next year, I have to put some Pop-tarts in my suitcase.
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This was great, Dan. I think I read somewhere (you know, that vague ‘somewhere’) that men are hunters and women are gatherers. We can walk into any store and my husband will say, “do we need a cart or a basket?” I always say ‘no.’ He always has to go back and get a cart or a basket. Did you say grits? Oh, yes–all the best catering places have a grits bar for any reception. It is so ‘the thing’ to do. And double dipping–you remember George in Seinfeld and his double-dipping? So funny. Whew! You covered a lot–so fun, too!
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Thanks Lois. I never would have guessed that a “grits bar” would be a thing. I got the most disappointed look ever when I asked him just to put the shrimp and tereso on my plate. Then I asked for a little sauce, and he handed me the bottle, as if to say I could have sauce, but no artistic treatment in its application. Then, my friends from the south explained the nature of my offense.
I usually don’t double-dip in public (I do remember that episode).
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OMG, that food looks and sounds AMAZING! Can I have your grits? I never had any until I was grown, and I LOVE it (them?). I can do the wandering around thing, but I’m usually on the side of what a friend of mine calls, “Kill it, bag it, take it home.”
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Thanks Marian and thanks for being on my side of the Target approach. When I used to use FourSquare, I would check into Target and Check into the next stop, and my daughter would text me saying that I hadn’t spent enough time in Target. When I needed a new belt, my wife asked why I didn’t look at Target, and I said I didn’t even know where Men’s Wear was. I only go for candy, chips and various electronic stuff.
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Oh, I forgot – YES you can have my grits!
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Exactly!
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Thank you!
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I’m a wandering shopper who spends too much money at Kohl’s and prefers beer with an enchilada. Cheers and happy Saturday!
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OK – so 50/50. I can’t give you bonus points, but you don’t lose any. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
I actually thought I replied to this earlier…hmmm.
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It’s the comment gremlin. He steals them away and makes the poster think he/she is crazy. I hate that little dude.
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Ha ha – now you get bonus points!
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Yippee! 😊
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LOL… Sorry for your day of being put-upon, Dan… but you did tell it in a humorous way. :D I’m an online shopper, and that’s probably even worse than wandering. After an hour and a half of listening to a coworker vent (and rightfully so), I’m ready to be a guzzler too! ;) On a Saturday! It’s 5 O’clock somewhere!
*
By the way. You’ve seen that I’m doing some collaborative posts with non-novelist bloggers. If you’d be interested in working on one with one of your weekly feature topics — combined with a story (preferably from my 1920s “universe”), dig my yahoo email from the innards of your blog and let me know. Hugs.
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Thanks Teagan. I think we could do something together. I’ll take a look and shoot you some ideas.
My wife is a consummate online shopper. I don’t even do that right. If I need something, I search for that one thing and I order it.
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Cool beans. :)
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I skipped breakfast and it was a mistake. Gotta go. Oh, fine post, Dan.
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Sorry John. Have some grits :)
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Urp.
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That grits in a glass thingy looks like it has grated cheddar cheese on top which does not sound good to me either. Maybe grits in a glass is consider elegant in Florida. Or Floridaaaa…..as Dave Barry says. Cute story…”time moves slower in your universe.” Ha,ha.
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It’s a poor photo, Deborah, but you’re right, it is cheddar. That seemed OK for sausage, but not shrimp. This was one of those “artistic” type statements being made at dinner.
Thanks for the comment, I’m glad you enjoyed this.
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Yum!!
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Thanks Val. Responding to these comments is making me hungry :)
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😆
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Thanks for the food pics! Mmm, grits. This time last week, I was eatin grits.
Anyway, granola without flavor made me howl with laughter.
I don’t like to shop so my trips to Target are also faster than the average woman’s. Even my husband spends longer in Target than I do. I end up reading small books while everyone hunts for their indiscriminate this and that.
I can eat like a caveman and chug down some beer, too…
This post definitely didn’t elicit my feminine side.
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Yay !! I got Joey on my side. That means a lot to me. Are grits a thing that have always been a fav for you, or is that a souvenir you brought back from Georgia?
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Hmmmmm …. gotta agree with you about the shopping. I do not like it. Not a bit. So I do online shopping getting what I need and that’s that. I’m a sipper preferring to enjoy what it is I’m drinking unless I’m on the fly and guzzle a glass of water. Your food pics made my mouth water. And I just ate. Dang, Dan. What’s up with that? Sorry too about the energy bar. 💖
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Sorry about the food-photo-effect, Amy. I know my posts go live early in the day and I get comments about making people hungry.
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Yep. Got my mouth watering! LOL
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I hate grits, and I hate that they use grits in everything here. I’d rather have scrapple than grits….
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Now, there’s a man after my heart.
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The only time I ate grits they were served with canned okra. It was at a distant relative’s house, so I felt I had to eat enough to be polite. My appetite didn’t return for days. As usual, an entertaining conversation, Dan.
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Thanks Janet. I think I could choke down the okra… I went to the University of Georgia for one year. The cafeteria ladies would slop grits onto my scrambled eggs no matter how hard I protested. “They’re good and they’re good for you!”
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If I feel the need to get out of the house but don’t want to be in the weather, I go “window shopping”. If I am going to the store to specifically buy something, I am in and out in a flash. Sometimes when I “window shop” I do find something to buy but it is not an every-time occurrence.
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I do that at hardware and woodworking supply stores. I could browse around the for hours.
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I am a shopaholic. I love shopping on the streets, in grocery stores, and in luxury malls. I can walk for hours, explore, try and browse through sections that don’t fit my genre. For instance, I also do lingerie shopping (which is very unusual for Indian male standards, it is usually looked down upon). The longest I and Sarah have shopped was for around 8 to 10 hours and I loved it. Many of my friends do ask me how do I manage to do that considering they lose patience after an hour. Plus, I have in-depth knowledge about female clothing and cosmetics (obviously because I write about it) which makes me a perfect husband in the eyes of my friends’ wives. However, there are times when I and Sarah are in a rush and we can do our shopping in less than 10 minutes and checkout. We know the shelves, we know what to buy, we know the total cost and everything is executed as planned.
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You are amazing! I don’t mind shopping with my wife, but she doesn’t shop for very long.
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I love grits, but I only like mine with a bit of butter, and sugar sprinkled on top. It’s how my mom was able to get us kids to eat our grits. :) Nothing else can touch my grits or I can’t eat them. I have a few weird ” nothing can touch my food” quirks.
There’s way too much cheese on that appetizer with the grilled shrimp and chorizo en mon avis.
I’m a wanderer when I shop. I like to look through the racks and shelves of stuff, and touch, and feel, pick up, put it down, pick it up again…maybe kinda a gal. But, when checking out I look for the line with guys like you in it. They’re usually but, not always the fastest line. :)
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I am almost never in the fastest line. I stink at picking the right line. I haven’t found a way to prepare grits (or polenta) that makes me want to eat them. Target keeps moving the stuff I buy, forcing me to wander a bit.
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Back in the day my Mom’s grits, oat meal, and cream of Wheat always had the best lumps in them and with a bit of butter and sugar were the best!
Today, they do so much processing to the grain I can not for the life of me get any of them to get lumps! I have cream of wheat or oat meal almost every day of the week but, I miss those lumps like my Mom’s used to have.
I rarely go to shopping outside of the grocery store any more so I’m always wandering not knowing where things are. That’s half the fun! :)
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The one constant message I’ve heard about grits since I first encountered them at age 18 is: “you would like my mom’s grits!”
I tried several. I do think I’d prefer lumps to overly processed grits.
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I don’t like them plain. :)
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The French one has never really liked grits. But I tried to make some for my husband (with a mix) and it didn’t turn out so great. And for the drinks we stick to water and wine. The pics made my mouth water, though!
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Do the French serve anything similar? My wife is half Italian and she likes polenta (which is a fancy word for grits in my mind).
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Couscous would be the closest and I love couscous, especially with real Mediterranean food or the couscous dish from North Africa.
I love polenta too, by the way:)
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Couscous is as close as I get to grits. My wife will make that on occasion and I have eaten it.
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Your first line and last lines sound oddly familiar. This was so much fun to read and sounds a bit like my family some days.
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I think you know you have good friends, when they sound like family. Thanks Audrey
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I’d have to play both sides of the field with this one, Dan: I would nurse the beer for hours, but I hate wandering in the store! I make a list ahead of time, go in, pick up what I need, and leave as quickly as possible!
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You could nurse one beer all afternoon, Wendy. As long as you let me order food :)
My kind of shopper!
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That title “House Made Gluten Free Energy Bar Bites” is quite a lot to chew on, even if the result wasn’t much to write home about. Other food (and beverages) look great…and it’s also great I saw this within a short time before dinner…hungry now!
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That (hunger) is the downside to food posts. Thanks! And those energy bars were awful.
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Dan, you take all the time you need, whether it’s finishing that fifth beer (fast or slow, whichever feels right) or wandering around the store of your choice. It’s all good, especially when grits are involved.
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No Paul. Don’t tell me. A fan of the ground up corn? Well, I appreciate your being here, I guess I won’t hold it against you.
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Ha! Can’t ask for more than that, I guess. Thanks for understanding the southern blood in my veins. :)
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Chicken and bacon quesadillas? YUM. (Oh, and I’m in the beer camp. Beer and mexican food can’t be beat.)
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Thanks for standing with me on this one :)
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I liked several of the choices, loved the “martini” (glass) with cheese on top! Fun idea!! Too bad this is out of my dining driving distance. Try to say that fast!
I don’t like to wait to eat, since food prep time can delay it further so don’t wait till their beer is finished!! :D
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Ha ha – that’s a good point. Next time, I start without him. The cheese did look good, but they wouldn’t give me any cheese, unless I took the grits.
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