Pant Rant Rebuttal – #1LinerWeds

About a week ago, Joey published a “Pant Rant” and I promised to return to this issue. The first reason I feel the need to circle back, is because I get this general uneasy feeling when the women bloggers start talking about pants, bloating, undergarments in general and bras in particular, and sitting on the potty – ALL OF WHICH Joey talked about. When I click inside the comment box on those posts, I start to sweat, because the chance of me saying something stupid, or something that would cause the Mister (Joey’s Mister) to grab a bat and come looking for me are pretty high. Heck, Joey’s Mister was a Marine – don’t need a bat.

A long time ago, I would have read Joey’s post, smiled and moved on like I didn’t see it. Like I was busy. But a series of lingerie posts by Sammy cured me of that habit. Sammy taunted me into commenting. How many of us remember Sammy? Do we still want Sammy to return to WordPress? Since this post is heading toward the thin line between respectfully funny and sacrilegious, can I get an Amen to Sammy’s return to WordPress?

I know this is ONE-Liner Wednesday, but I have more than one line. I usually have more than one line, but I may go way over the line today. There are a bunch of one-liners coming – take your pick. I had one in mind, but lots more jumped on board my train wreck of thought, and now it’s off the rails and moving through the fields toward a canyon.

You see, women complain about clothing and fashion and shoes and undergarments; but women bring/brought this on themselves. I’m pretty sure women’s fashion issues date back to Eve. In fact, I’m guessing Adam was all: “I don’t see why we can’t stay naked” and Eve was thinking: “I need shoes to go with this fig leaf.” In addition, right after God said to the snake:

“On your belly will you go, and dust you will eat, all the days of your life. And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed. He will crush your head, and you will strike his heel…”

Eve said:

“…and if you strike at my heel, I’ll put this stiletto right through your dust eating face you little varmint.

Years ago, I wrote about the fact that it’s easier for men to shop for clothes. In the first place, our sizes match our body – I wear 38w 34l – those numbers have changed with the location of what I consider my waist to be, but my suits, my Dockers, my jeans and my undergarments are 38w. I am also relatively certain this goes back to the Garden as well. In fact, I think there was probably a conversation like (you can guess who’s speaking):

“Is that what you’re wearing?”

“What?”

“That ratty old fig leaf. Is that what you’re wearing tonight?”

“I like this fig leaf, it’s my favorite.”

“It’s torn, and the bottom is wrinkled – you look like a hobo.”

“I don’t think it’s that bad.”

“Then wear it when you’re thatching the roof. Go put on a nice one for tonight.”

“Yes dear.”

“That looks like the same fig leaf.”

“I picked a bunch of identical ones last week. “

“Sigh…”

No offense to any women readers was intended, and please remember that The Editor doesn’t proofread One-Liner Wednesdays. Since Adam and Eve weren’t on Facebook, I don’t have any pictures from the Garden. Instead, I’m sharing a few random ones from my recent trips to the park and Hartford.


This post is part of Linda G. Hill’s fun weekly series One-Liner Wednesday. If you have a one-liner, I’d encourage you to join in on the fun. You can follow this link to find the instructions and to see the one-liners from the other participants.

92 thoughts on “Pant Rant Rebuttal – #1LinerWeds

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    1. Thanks Cheryl! It’s funny that you say that. My wife has told me to throw things out that I have in the “to Goodwill” pile. I say “but I would wear that” and I think she really has to wonder about me.

      I didn’t realize how tall that cathedral is. I pass it on the road, sometimes, but you can’t see the top from a car.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’d like to see it after the renovations! Mine has an entire set of identical tees he got years ago when his doctor was changing their giveaway tee shirt design. It has become his ‘uniform’ and isn’t even an attractive tee! 😱

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Who knew you could keep up with Joey on a clothes rant. :-) But, you nailed it – sizes. Women’s clothing manufacturers each have their individual sizes which drives women to try multiple pants on in order to find one that fits. I could go on and on, but I’ll refrain. There are women who enjoy the shopping challenge and those who dislike it. I’m in the dislike it column. :-) I still think the cot manufacturer should pay Maddie in dog treats at least for all the good press. I mean where could they find a more beautiful model. :-)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ha ha – thanks Judy. I just don’t understand women’s sizes when one is too big but the next smallest size is too small.

      Maddie could be the poster-pup for that cot company. I should take a video of her, off the leash, running for the cot.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “…and if you strike at my heel, I’ll put this stiletto right through your dust eating face you little varmint.“

    Can I quote this tonight at my church ladies’ life group? LOL!

    I just read Joey’s post from last week and between the two of you, I had a good laugh this morning. I can tell you I have had more than one issue of anything fitting right, especially with bras (you don’t have to comment on this Dan, I’ll save you). I can understand that manufacturers have a difficult time make womens’ garments fit for everyone because we’re not all alike. Some of us are straight, some curvy, some tall, some short, some have these long big toes that make us buy shoes the size of a boat…

    but I digress. Have a wonderful clothing Wednesday, Dan.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you first for your comment and for absolving me of the need to comment back.

      You’re more than welcome to quote anything found here – any time.

      The biggest thing I don’t understand is how/why women are attracted to the one item whose manufacturer doesn’t understand their size/shape. It’s like there’s always one thing that just doesn’t come in a size that fits the woman who wants it.

      Like

  3. ” . . . I had one in mind, but lots more jumped on board my train . . . ” I love this line! I think most women would find this post hilarious! And it’s true! I especially love the dialogue between Adam and Eve. That would make a great cartoon . . .

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is hysterical. I will be laughing all day, especially over the conversation between Adam and Eve. My husband has some fig leafs that should’ve been discarded years ago. If God sent Moses down with an 11th Commandment, ‘Thou Shalt Not Hang On To Old Fig Leafs’, he wouldn’t obey it! Lol.

    Women’s clothes are made for looks, not comfort. Men’s clothes are made for comfort and to be functional. There you go. That’s it in a nutshell. I couldn’t care less about designer names. I buy the most comfortable clothes I can find, and that’s no easy task.

    Just love that photo of the leaf with the sunlight underneath. (What? No fig leaf?!) And we have ginormous mushrooms too. I laughed at the sprinkler. That poor fox looks so skinny.

    Maddie and MiMi are always camera ready. Lucky for us.

    If this never-ending rain keeps up, you may have to blog from the Ark Saturday!💦🌦☔️
    🔹 Ginger 🔹

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Ginger. I have to admit, I resemble the Adam in that conversation. I had to throw out a pair of Carhart work shorts because I ripped the backside a second time (I wore them with one large rip). Fortunately, my wife found replacements, so I don’t have to get used to something new :-)

      My wife shops for comfort and function, it’s just way harder to find than when I need something comfortable and/or practical. The rain looks like it’s trying to delay my construction project. Fortunately, I also have an indoor project, but I really want to get that roof shingled before the end of August.

      The FedEx guy told us that the fox is a mom, and has her pups under someone’s porch on his route. She was moving very fast to where we had seen a bunny earlier. Babies gotta eat, and moms will do whatever is necessary – I think that’s universal.

      Like

    1. Thanks Frank. My barber was going on vacation, so I had to get my hair cut at 6:30 am. Fortunately, traffic was light and I got to Hartford with about 10 minutes to spare. I headed straight to my favorite spot.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. When I was in Toastmasters, our club funny guy gave a humorous speech entitled “Do These Pants Make My Butt Look Big?” He was the only guy in our club and he had us rolling. Nothing like hearing yourself from the other side, so to speak. The photo of the cathedral getting a facelift is wonderful!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Lois. I wish I was still in Toastmasters. Some of these posts would make good speeches. I can imagine that subject making a good speech.

      The cathedral project is interesting, I think I need to drive over and get a closer look at the project.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. LOL. Dan… Great Wednesday post. I needed that chuckle. My head was ready to explode (or spin around on my shoulders spewing greenpea soup, not sure which) as soon as I sat down at my desk. You saved the day.
    Now I’m wondering if Lulu maybe should get concerned about pants, bloating, undergarments, or sitting on the potty in the next chapter. ;o)
    You slayed me with Eve’s comment to the serpent. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Teagan. I’m very happy to be able to give some enjoyment back to you. I think Lulu has had enough trouble finding a gown for Pearl – I’m sure there was a whole discussion on what parts of Pearl’s were being flattered or not.

      I hope your Wednesday gets in a good groove and I hope it lasts until the end of Friday.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. This may be my favorite of all your one-liners, Dan. Hilarious! Which version of the Bible are you using? None of mine include those extra verses. :-) I’ve often thought about the unfair difference between what men can wear for all but the most formal events and be considered “dressed up” and what women can/should wear. Maybe I’ll have to do a post on that one of these days, although I’m sure it wouldn’t be as funny as what you and Joey wrote/write.
    janet

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Janet. It is somewhat unfair, and I do have to admit that the women around me generally look better than the men around me.

      As long as I can remember, I connected women wearing high heels with that verse – I know it wasn’t even Eve whose heel was being stricken, but it made so much sense to me.

      I think there’s more than enough room around this subject for anyone to write about it.

      Like

  8. ROTFLOL!!!!!!! You’re killing me! OMG. ~wipes tears from eyes~ Oh, man. I don’t know Sammy, but I think I want Sammy to return. Pretty sure I do.

    Say, do you have plans for Mimi’s retreat? Charlie wants to build one.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha – now I’m laughing.

      Sammy was the first female blogger I dared to interact with. There wasn’t anywhere she wouldn’t go.

      I don’t have plans, but I can say that I’ve built several over time, and they were designed around what I could find for Sonotubes at the local building supply. If you buy them at Home Depot, you’re limited to 4′ so you have to build in sections. If you go to a lumber yard, you can get up to 10′ lengths.

      The cradles are Sonotubes, cut in half and doubled up.

      The carpet is sewn on with a canvas stitching awl. It’s miserable work, but it goes pretty fast. If you try and take a shortcut with glue or Liquid Nails, they know and they will snub it for months until the smell is gone.

      I’ve learned to roll the edges and leave them a little puffy so they have a place to rest their heads and so the don’t fall off the shelves.

      Stone/marble chips in the bases for support.

      But carpet remnants but not remnants of cheap carpet – they know.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Have you been eavesdropping on my wardrobe conversations with hubby? Last night’s went something like this. “Malcolm, that shirt is wrinkled.” His response, “I know.” “Would you like for me to iron it?” “No.” “Take off the damn shirt..” “Okay.”

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Funny stuff, Dan. The producer is forever asking me to toss perfectly good things. We have come to a compromise. My worn T-shirts go into the rag bin. I then go to the rag bin and liberate said T-shirt. The next time worn the comment is “that is for the rag bin.” I simply say,”okay,'” and the cycle goes on forever.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. LOL! Well done on the rebuttal! Loved the stiletto bit! :P
    I, too, have purchased several of the same thing. That’s just good sense.
    And I’ll have you know, I used to have OBSCENE sweat pants from my 7th grade boyfriend, and when I served brunch at my home on Sunday, I wore them religiously, and my husband made me get rid of them even though everyone who ever came to brunch had already seen me nude. I don’t know what that was about. And yes, I’m still mad.
    By the by, once a Marine, always a Marine.
    Amen to Sammy comin back to WP! and Van. I miss Van. And Maggie… :(
    Anyway, great post! :D

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OK, the Mister is a Marine – I don’t want to mess that up.

      Maggie was back for a while, but I do miss that crew.

      I’m glad you liked this, and I’m glad you’re a good sport (I knew you would be).

      The Editor made me toss a pair of cutoff jeans shorts. She said they were too short for a guy. I liked wearing them and whats a few inches of thigh, cause nothing else was on display.

      These days, it’s ratty old tee shirts that need to get tossed, or only worn while working outside.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. You men! Honestly! I’m laughing so hard right now. Being married and all you would THINK conversations about women’s clothing and such would be a piece of cake. I haven’t read Joey’s post but knowing Joey, I can only imagine. Now you have my curiosity up and I must rush on over there to see what the fuss is all about. GREAT POST, Dan! Thank YOU for giving me a ton of laughs today!! 😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Ok, here it is. Shopping is a nightmare, but if you have to go outside in public, you are expected to look decent and want to. Most women, I think consider this when leaving the comfort of their homes. In my experience, most men do not. If they are covered in sweat and grit and need something they just fly in to the nearest shop without even looking to see if there’s something amiss, such as a revealing hole in the front or back of jeans, no applied deodorant that morning…I could go on. The fact you can rise, not shave, shower, comb hair, or wear underwear and think that’s fine is a privilege, of course enjoyed mostly by yourself. I worked retail for these special insights 😂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ouch and eww. I can’t even imagine working in retail. My wife did for several years. I guess you see all kinds. I do try to look decent, unless I’m working around the house and need something from the hardware store. I don’t have much hair, but I brush it.

      Like

  14. If I had been Eve, I would have taken that apple I was chewing on and threw it at Adam. My husband has a whole bunch of old white Ts that he received each year at a company volleyball game. Fortunately, they are seldom seen outside of our property line… except on trips to Home Depot. The “work” jeans he wears are only slightly less holey. But, as long as he has a project to keep him busy, I guess I should be happy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m laughing because I was just wearing a tee shirt from a work event while stripping shingles off the garage. Every now and then I turn some into rags, but I look at sone and thing “oh, that one’s still good.)

      I usually don’t leave the yard dressed like that (hardware/hone depot).

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Fun post! I enjoyed the dialogue. Here’s an alternative perspective: Years ago, when I had to go to the dreaded annual banquet for work, I chose some black slip on cloth sandals. I thought they looked fine and went well with my dress. My boyfriend at the time said, “If you wear those shoes, people will think you’re an idiot.” I added his comment to my list of reasons why this man stopped being my boyfriend. Now, I’m married to a man who asks me, “Is this okay to wear to this place?” Since retirement it’s mostly about comfort.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a good reason to make him an ex. If people think anything about me because of my shoes, I question why I’m with those people. And yes, I do dread those company dinners.

      Comfort, kindness and respect. That’s the way to go.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. “Strike at my heel, I’ll put this stiletto right through your dust eating face you little varmint.“ – You have cracked me up again! I think I’ll stay in my comfy jammies a bit longer while reading blog posts. Notice, no mention of pants, bloating, undergarments in general and bras in particular, OR sitting on the potty! Have a great weekend, Dan! ~ Lynn

    Liked by 1 person

  17. LOL…great post…more times than I care to admit, I hear…you’re wearing that top with those shorts…to which I respond…yes. My mind is thinking…come on…we live in the desert heat…shorts and tops and flip flops…what more is there and now you through in a concern that the colors don’t match?? I think I’m with Adam….except when it’s cold…:)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Kirt. I’ve been working in some very hot and humid conditions, here, Kirt. I have to wear work boots, but shorts and a tee short rule the day, and I’ve had to change them during the day on a few days. I have to admit that I don’t pay attention to colors and patterns.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Just great great great
    The humor and history take
    Dan all over this –
    And sometimes you and Joey have a similar way of presenting humor – very cool –
    And still
    Smiling with the heel and stiletto joke
    And side note – hard for me to picture the men’s outfits that included their heels!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good thing high heels didn’t catch on with men. I’m glad you enjoyed this. Joey’s takes on life are so funny, but this one got me thinking. I told my daughter, when she was a little girl, that Eve invented high heels to step in the snake.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think high heels were in for a while – the clunky thick heel and it was all about height – but not sure of the details
        and that is really funny about the snake
        and have you seen a monk scene where Natalie helps catch the criminal lady at a wedding – and Natalie puts her heel to her neck – it was pretty fun and came to mind with your analogy

        Liked by 1 person

          1. well i am digging for a Monk video snippet with geraniums and if I see that clip I will link you later – cos it is a good one
            (but that is if I get to it this month – ahhhh – some of these projects just cannot get done) –

            Liked by 1 person

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