I know, math, or anything involving math or science, on Mondays or, as some of you have let me know in comments, math on any day, is not welcome here. Well, Maddie begs (literally) to differ. On behalf of dogs everywhere, she would like to explain the math and other such rules regarding last bites – as in “you can have the last bite” of toast or cookies or a sandwich. These are observations, in no particular order.
Note: This is an additional item. The original post was scheduled before Linda G. Hill’s JusJoJan prompt, but since one of the photos in the gallery includes Smokey’s fingertips, I’m adding this to her challenge.
Crumbs resulting from the eating process are to be dumped into the dog’s bowl but cannot be substituted for the last bite.
Butter, frosting and dips that the dog enjoys must exist on the last bite in an equal or greater amount as what existed on any previous bite. To make the complex geometry easier, just give the bite with the largest glob of butter to the dog.
Broken items create additional last bite vectors. This is particularly important when you are eating pizzelles. Every individual piece of a pizzelle includes a last bite.
One-bite forfeiture – Pieces of pizzelle, crackers, cookies or perhaps the end cuts of a ham or roast, which are too small to be divided into more than one bite are, by default, the last bite.
Sandwiches are a last bite reducing mechanism. The two pieces of bread, ham, cheese and perhaps bacon (because that’s always a good idea) become one item once assembled. Therefore, preparation treats are important. Particularly from the ham/cheese/bacon group. However, see below.
Last bites multiply when items are divided. If you have two pieces of toast and cut each in half, there will be four last bites. If you cut a sandwich in half, you create two last bites.
Food that is dropped and recovered by the dog does not count toward the last bite, even if it was the last bite that was dropped. In the case that the last bite of a food item is dropped, an additional food item must be opened/prepared in order to secure a proper last bite. Note: The replacement last bite will be the first bite of the additional item and the last bite of that item must still be given to the dog.
Just as samples consumed while shopping at Costco do not contribute to your total cost at checkout, bites offered during preparation are not considered during the last bite calculation. The phrase “you had your bite when I was preparing this…” is irrelevant and not admissible.
Items which cannot be eaten by the dog must be accompanied by items which can be eaten. Milano cookies, for example, cannot be eaten due to the inseparable chocolate layer. Therefore, a plain cookie (which can be divided into a number of pieces equal to the number of Milanos) must accompany the verboten cookie.
Snack food addendum – Food items like Fritos and pretzels which are normally eaten whole, must be shared with the dog on a per-serving basis. If you take a handful of Fritos, the last one in your hand is the dog’s. If you consume the entire bag at one sitting, the last item in the bag also belongs to the dog. If you share the bag with others, the per-serving last bite requirement extends to all parties equally.
Maddie urges all dogs to add any rule that she has not covered, in the comments.