It’s another hot and steamy Saturday here at the bar, so David and I have agreed to get an early start. Maybe cooler heads will help us wrestle with Linda G. Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt:
“Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is ‘acronym’. Choose an acronym and use it any way you’d like. Enjoy!”
Hmmm, hard to get beyond SoCS, but I think that might be cheating. In any case, if we were having a beer, Cheryl would be surprised.
“Did you guys fall out of bed? It’s only eleven o’clock.”
“Dan called and said he was heading to the bar early. I assumed he needed me to make drinking before noon legitimate.”
“Dan? What’s the occasion?”
“Trust me, I have a good reason to be here early.”
“So, were in no danger if an AUDIT is conducted?”
“Cheryl, who’s going to audit the bar on a Saturday morning? Besides, I’m sure your books are all in order.”
“Not a financial audit, David, and A.U.D.I.T. as in ‘Alcohol Use Disorders Identification Test.’ I’m you guys could pass one.”
“No need to worry, Cheryl. One of the ten exceptions to the ‘no drinking before noon’ rule has occurred.”
“I wasn’t aware of that list. Which one are we talking about?”
“Water main break. Can’t drink the water. Can’t cook with it. Not a good idea to shower in it. Drinking before noon is approved.”
“Wait, you didn’t shower?”
“I showered last night, David.”
“Well, I’m on the other side of the bar, so I’ll be OK for a while. Here’s a Modelo for you Dan. David, are you ready for a John Howell’s Bourbon eye-opener?”
“Why not, Cheryl. I feel an obligation to not let Dan drink alone.”
“OK, here’s the bourbon. I’ll be back with the ice and seltzer.”
“Don’t forget…”
“The cherries. I got it.”
“Cheers, Dan. I’m curious. What are the other nine reasons for drinking before noon?”
“During a funeral that includes a toast to the departed, and after an early funeral.”
“Is that one or two?”
“That’s two. Either / or.”
“OK, that’s three. But, for the record, have you ever been to a funeral service where they served alcohol?”
“We toasted my sister-in-law with pony bottles of Rolling Rock – her favorite beer.”
“Delivered by your brother’s beer club buddies?”
“Yes, in fact they handled that very professionally.”
“OK, that’s a solid three. You still need seven.”
“The rest, well six of the seven remaining have to be adapted to your location, profession and affiliations.”
“Profession? I’m a financial advisor. You’re retired. What reason would we have to drink before noon, Dan?”
“Well, let’s say you closed a big deal first thing this morning. That would be a reason.”
“What about you?”
“Let’s say I sold a certain number of books.”
“How big a deal? How many books?”
“These things are variables.”
“I see. Any deal, and any positive number of books sold. What else?”
“I have a two-parter that you probably have to adapt. I can drink before noon the day after the Pirates win their eighty-first game.”
“Ah, halfway to one-sixty—a.k.a. not going to have a losing season. I get that. I might have to consider that for the Red Sox this year. I suppose you get another free pass when they notch their eighty-second win.”
“Winning season in the books? Absolutely!”
“Let me guess, the next one must be related to the Steelers, but which team do they have to beat?”
“The Patriots. Or Dallas. Or the Ravens, Bengals, Browns, Raiders, or the Eagles.”
“I suppose I could put together a similar list for the Giants. What else you got?”
“For me, West Virginia and Pitt college football or basketball. Big wins, key rivalries and tournament play.”
“I don’t mean to be eavesdropping, but it sounds like you have a lot of reasons to start drinking early. Not that I mind. You guys want another round—it’s almost noon.”
“That sounds good, Cheryl. We might have another reason today.”
“And that is?”
“Ninety degrees before noon.”
“So, that’s where the location factor comes in?”
“Yes, David. Teagan, Lois, GP, Janet and John Howell have to adjust that up. Pam, Dale, Linda and others from Canada also get to set a winter equivalent factor.”
“It’s eighty-eight, Dan. I don’t think you’re going to make that. Still, you have that water main break working for you. Since you can’t cook with that water, you want something to eat?”
“I think a pizza would be great for lunch, Cheryl.”
“What’s the tenth reason, Dan. If I understand correctly, it applies universally.”
“It does. Anytime a relative is visiting from Albuquerque.”
“Ah, the Bugs Bunny exception.”
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